Rob Ervin

DO: I visit my local butcher shop to get the freshest meats and cheeses.
DON’T: I drive out in the country the night before with no headlights on. Whatever goes bump goes on the grill.

DO: I paint my body and face to show my team spirit.
DON’T: My various rashes and sores are a lovely rainbow of colors already.

DO: I bring a salad of lettuce, carrots, onions and more.
DON’T: I bring a salad of Acupolco Gold, Kentucky Ditchweed and Butler County Skunk.

DO: Bean bags are heavy. I make sure our area is safe before our cornhole games.
DON’T: I play cornhole too but, it don’t involve bean bags and it ain’t safe.

DO: To prevent salmonella, I make sure our potato salad is kept nice and cool.
DON’T: If you let the potato salad set out long enough, the cole slaw will start talking to you.

DO: I sprinkle my devilled eggs with paprika to add color.
DON’T: I roll the deviled under my refrigerator so they can pick up some garnish.

DO: Tailgating can be messy. I make sure all my guests have enough napkins.
DON’T: If my sleeve is good enough for my nose, it’s good enough for my mouth.

DO: I pick up all my trash and place it in the proper receptacle.
DON’T: I pick up all my trash, stuff it in a Styrofoam cooler, put that in a truck tire, light the whole thing and see if it’s still burning when the game is over.

DO: To support my team, I wear their jersey.
DON’T: To support my team, I wear their hat…and a smile….and that’s about it.
DO: I use standard lighter fluid to start my grill.
DON’T: I use a mouthful of siphoned gas to start my grill.

DO: Let’s party smart. I make sure no minors in the area are drinking alcoholic beverages.
DON’T: If some snot nose touches my stash, I’ll kill him.

DO: If I see someone rooting for the other town, I’ll engage in playful, lighthearted trash talking.
DON’T: If I see someone from the other town, I’ll try to sell them counterfeit luxury box tickets.

DO: I bring a football so we can pass it back and forth.
DON’T: I bring a bong in the shape of Carson Palmer’s head and we pass that back and forth.

DO: I offer a wide variety of sodas, beers, water and wine.
DON’T: I have one bottle of whatever will fit down my pants at the discount liquor store.

MR DO: I gaze at pictures of the founders: Washington, Hamilton and Franklin and thank Providence. We were so lucky to have them.
MR DON’T: I offer the local prostitute two Hamiltons and two Washingtons if she’ll light my sparkler.

MR DO: I attend a professionally presented municipal fireworks display.
MR DON’T: I shoot bottle rockets out of my fly.

MR DO: I go to the local seniors’ center and read the Declaration of Independence.
MR DON’T: I go to the local seniors’ center and read them an important message just for them from a prominent Nigerian lawyer.

MR DO: When lighting a sparkler, I first set it in the ground and keep everyone fifteen feet away.
MR DON’T: Sparklers are dumb unless you add to their colors with a little self-generated methane gas.

MR DO: I proudly hang my flag outside my house.
MR DON’T: I drunkenly hang my naked butt out the passenger window of my cousin’s El Camino.

MR DO: I stand and recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
MR DON’T: I stand and burp the alphabet.

MR DO: I look forward to hearing a pops concert featuring patriotic music.
MR DON’T: I can’t hear crap since I dropped that firecracker into my neighbor’s gas tank.

MR DO: To me, nothing says “4th of July” like a grill-out with good friends.
MR DON’T: My grill hasn’t worked since I huffed all the propane on Memorial Day.

MR DO: I go downtown and see a parade on Independence Day.
MR DON’T: I go downtown get my VD treated.

MR DO: To get in the spirit, I wear an Uncle Sam hat.
MR DON’T: I pass out in the neighbors kiddy pool wearing an Uncle Sam hat, and oh yea, a smile.

MR DO: I wonder what it must have been like in Philadelphia in 1776 when they were drafting the Declaration.
MR DON’T: I wonder why the damn methadone clinic is closed.

MR DO: I’m thrilled by the recent news that the bald eagle population is up.
MR DON’T: I shoot bottle rocket after bottle rocket at that stupid pigeon in my tree.

MR DO: I look for ways to make this America the land our founders envisioned.
MR DON’T: I look for that finger I blew off.

MR DO: I raise a toast to America and the 4th of July.
MR DON’T: I hit a Soviet artillery shell with a hammer until something cool happens.

MR DO: I give a homeless man a small donation so he can pursue the American dream.
MR DON’T: I give a bum a tattoo while he’s passed out by the tracks.

MR DO: I take a moment to enjoy a flag flapping in the breeze.
MR DON’T: I take some acid and watch a tree spontaneously combust and run the 50 yard dash.

MR DO: When I go camping, I take a big bag of can food for quick, nutritious meals.
MR DON’T: When I go camping, I take a big bag of broken Percodans for a quick exciting buzz.

MR DO: I always have a bucket of sand near my campfire in case I need to extinguish it.
MR DON’T: I always have a twelve pack of Busch in my stomach in case I need to extinguish the campfire…or a cigarette…or a firefly, it doesn’t matter.

MR DO: If camping in a state or national park, I ask the park rangers about camp activities like free movies.
MR DON’T: When everyone’s at the free movie, I steal their hot dogs and siphon their gas.

MR DO: Although campgrounds can get crowded, I respect everyone’s privacy.
MR DON’T: A park is one place where no one is suspicious of a guy with binoculars around his neck. You’d be surprised how much you can see through a mesh bug screen.

MR DO: If I bring a pet with me, I make sure to clean up after his mess.
MR DON’T: The inbred pit bull I bought from Michael Vick hates camping.

MR DO: Although I am ashamed to admit it, there have been a few occasions when I couldn’t get near the bathroom and I have tinkled in the woods.
MR DON’T: A good phrase to know is, “Hey look at the size of that! Wow, there must be a grizzly nearby who loves peanuts.”

MR DO: I keep flashlights and plenty of batteries in the campsite.
MR DON’T: I keep a strobe light hooked up to my diesel generator so the party lasts all night long.

MR DO: I love roasting marshmallows and making s’mores.
MR DON’T: When adding pine needles to make menthol hash, make sure they are dry, but not too dry.

MR DO: When I go camping, I like to bring a few magazines and a fun paperback novel.
MR DON’T: I never go anywhere without my collection of erotic etchings.

MR DO: If you run out or forget to pack toiletries, usually there is a camp store that can provide what you need.
MR DON’T: For an extra fifteen bucks, a good crack ho will swing by Walgreen’s on her way to your campsite.

MR DO: I live by the motto, “Leaves of three, let them be”
MR DON’T: I live by the motto, “If it feels good, do it to me.”

MR DO: A campground is a public place. If camping with my beloved MRS DO, we keep our passions in check until we leave the campsite.
MR DON’T: There’s nothing better than forcing a raccoon to watch you do it.

MR DO: I try to leave the campsite cleaner than when I arrived.
MR DON’T: I try to leave my initials carved in every tree.

MR DO: Driving to your campsite at night can be stressful. Go very slow with your fog lights on.
MR DON’T: I go fifty with no lights on. I assume those bumps I hear and feel are raccoons.

MR DO: I ask the group of college girls camping if they need any help with their tent.
MR DON’T: I ask that group of college girls camping if they need any help shaving.

MR DO: I’m thankful for the chance to get closer to the earth and commune with Mother Nature.
MR DON’T: I’m thankful the poison ivy and assorted bug bites will take my mind off my permanent rashes.