Mr. Do and Mr. Don’t on the Fourth of July
MR DO: I gaze at pictures of the founders: Washington, Hamilton and Franklin and thank Providence. We were so lucky to have them.
MR DON’T: I offer the local prostitute two Hamiltons and two Washingtons if she’ll light my sparkler.
MR DO: I attend a professionally presented municipal fireworks display.
MR DON’T: I shoot bottle rockets out of my fly.
MR DO: I go to the local seniors’ center and read the Declaration of Independence.
MR DON’T: I go to the local seniors’ center and read them an important message just for them from a prominent Nigerian lawyer.
MR DO: When lighting a sparkler, I first set it in the ground and keep everyone fifteen feet away.
MR DON’T: Sparklers are dumb unless you add to their colors with a little self-generated methane gas.
MR DO: I proudly hang my flag outside my house.
MR DON’T: I drunkenly hang my naked butt out the passenger window of my cousin’s El Camino.
MR DO: I stand and recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
MR DON’T: I stand and burp the alphabet.
MR DO: I look forward to hearing a pops concert featuring patriotic music.
MR DON’T: I can’t hear crap since I dropped that firecracker into my neighbor’s gas tank.
MR DO: To me, nothing says “4th of July” like a grill-out with good friends.
MR DON’T: My grill hasn’t worked since I huffed all the propane on Memorial Day.
MR DO: I go downtown and see a parade on Independence Day.
MR DON’T: I go downtown get my VD treated.
MR DO: To get in the spirit, I wear an Uncle Sam hat.
MR DON’T: I pass out in the neighbors kiddy pool wearing an Uncle Sam hat, and oh yea, a smile.
MR DO: I wonder what it must have been like in Philadelphia in 1776 when they were drafting the Declaration.
MR DON’T: I wonder why the damn methadone clinic is closed.
MR DO: I’m thrilled by the recent news that the bald eagle population is up.
MR DON’T: I shoot bottle rocket after bottle rocket at that stupid pigeon in my tree.
MR DO: I look for ways to make this America the land our founders envisioned.
MR DON’T: I look for that finger I blew off.
MR DO: I raise a toast to America and the 4th of July.
MR DON’T: I hit a Soviet artillery shell with a hammer until something cool happens.
MR DO: I give a homeless man a small donation so he can pursue the American dream.
MR DON’T: I give a bum a tattoo while he’s passed out by the tracks.
MR DO: I take a moment to enjoy a flag flapping in the breeze.
MR DON’T: I take some acid and watch a tree spontaneously combust and run the 50 yard dash.
Tags: , 4th of July, fireworks, Satire