Mr. Do and Mr. Don’t on Tailgating
DO: I visit my local butcher shop to get the freshest meats and cheeses.
DON’T: I drive out in the country the night before with no headlights on. Whatever goes bump goes on the grill.
DO: I paint my body and face to show my team spirit.
DON’T: My various rashes and sores are a lovely rainbow of colors already.
DO: I bring a salad of lettuce, carrots, onions and more.
DON’T: I bring a salad of Acupolco Gold, Kentucky Ditchweed and Butler County Skunk.
DO: Bean bags are heavy. I make sure our area is safe before our cornhole games.
DON’T: I play cornhole too but, it don’t involve bean bags and it ain’t safe.
DO: To prevent salmonella, I make sure our potato salad is kept nice and cool.
DON’T: If you let the potato salad set out long enough, the cole slaw will start talking to you.
DO: I sprinkle my devilled eggs with paprika to add color.
DON’T: I roll the deviled under my refrigerator so they can pick up some garnish.
DO: Tailgating can be messy. I make sure all my guests have enough napkins.
DON’T: If my sleeve is good enough for my nose, it’s good enough for my mouth.
DO: I pick up all my trash and place it in the proper receptacle.
DON’T: I pick up all my trash, stuff it in a Styrofoam cooler, put that in a truck tire, light the whole thing and see if it’s still burning when the game is over.
DO: To support my team, I wear their jersey.
DON’T: To support my team, I wear their hat…and a smile….and that’s about it.
DO: I use standard lighter fluid to start my grill.
DON’T: I use a mouthful of siphoned gas to start my grill.
DO: Let’s party smart. I make sure no minors in the area are drinking alcoholic beverages.
DON’T: If some snot nose touches my stash, I’ll kill him.
DO: If I see someone rooting for the other town, I’ll engage in playful, lighthearted trash talking.
DON’T: If I see someone from the other town, I’ll try to sell them counterfeit luxury box tickets.
DO: I bring a football so we can pass it back and forth.
DON’T: I bring a bong in the shape of Carson Palmer’s head and we pass that back and forth.
DO: I offer a wide variety of sodas, beers, water and wine.
DON’T: I have one bottle of whatever will fit down my pants at the discount liquor store.
Tags: Satire, Sports, tailgating