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Babies Snatched From Normal American Families to Work in Mexican Burrito Factories: Parents Worried, But Help Is On The Way!!
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA)-SPECIAL REPORT: Mothers! A moment of your time please! A recent university survey has found that the top concern facing parents today is having their baby stolen and forced to work in a Mexican Burrito Factory. This is a very real and reasonable worry, but we can help!
How many times have you been at the grocery store and you turned to reach for something for just an instant and when you turned back around there was a strange man making faces at your infant? You obviously would mace and testicle-kick the man in this situation because you don’t know! The man could be a so-called baby-o bandito! He could be just a few seconds away from snatching your baby and selling him to the baby-powered burrito factories in Mexico?
These illicit, baby-powered burrito factories are becoming an all too common scourge in Northern Mexico as they provide cheap meals to unknowing gringo consumers. The babies and infants are a highly prized source of labor. The babies’ fingers are valuable because their soft skin won’t bruise the cheap, dangerous lead and chlorine infused tortillas. Their small finger size insures a good tight wrap around the skunk, opossum and cat meat fillings. Worst of all, the babies have no union or OSHA protection. They work a 10-hour day and get a half hour for lunch with only one 15-minute coffee/bottle break in the afternoon.
Moms, your baby doesn’t have to be a victim!! Give your baby the tools to fight back!! We here at The Federal United Baby Protection Commission have devised a ten- step self-protection system designed especially for those still in diapers. Our experts have consulted with self-defense masters in the Russian secret service, the Israeli Armed
Forces, Ju-Jitsu experts from Japan, Tae Kwon Do black belts from South Korea and Kung Fu Shao Lin monks from China. We have distilled all this violence and bloodshed into one easy to swallow baby formula.
You say you want an example? No problem. The common binky is also called a pacifier and for good reason. Your baby can use it to pacify any no-goods who get too close! Say a baby wrangler approaches your baby. Before you can react, your baby can take his binky and shove it right into the bad guy’s eye. Give the binky a little Israeli Special Forces-inspired twist and voila! Pop! Out comes the eye! Not only is your baby safe, the cries of the would-be attacker will summon the authorities. With a little work, your baby will be able to scrape the eye socket clean in less than twenty seconds! Baby saliva is naturally acidic and this technique uses that scientific fact for the protection of your baby!
Example two: scientists have proven we share 97% of our DNA with monkeys. How do monkeys protect themselves? By flinging poo! What does your baby have an abundance of? Poo! According to infant behavioral authorities and Col. Ivan “the Red Dragon” Dravonivich of the Russian Special Forces, a baby can be taught to fling poo as well as any hairy monkey. “Sometimes in a struggle, the only thing that separates victory from defeat; life from death is a well placed chunk of baby poo,” Colonel Dravonivich said.
We’ll teach your baby how to produce poo on command! In extremely high stress situations, producing poo is surprisingly easy! We’ll teach your baby how to accurately deliver a ballistic load of devastating organic poo into an assailants’ eyes, mouth, nose, ears and any visible cuts or scrapes.
Mothers don’t let your babies be a victim! Teach your babies to fight back! Call now before it’s too late!! If you act in the next 18 minutes we’ll include at no extra charge our patented combination no-spill Cheerios® snack holder and five pointed Chinese fighting star! Keep your babies’ snacks fresh and neat while having the piece of mind that can only be provided by a razor sharp martial arts weapon. Act now before your baby rolls his first burrito!