A Baseball Letter From Heaven
Dear Son,
First of all let me say, I am proud of you. I am very proud of you. Up here in Heaven, one of my favorite things to do is to watch you play professional baseball. I also enjoy watching you and the kids. Boy the little one sure is getting big! So don’t take this the wrong way when I tell you, stop pointing at me every time you get on base.
For example, last week in Philly you were facing that rookie and he walked you on five pitches. You got to first base and pointed to me dedicating that walk to my memory. Now son, a bases-loaded double in the 7th inning, that you can dedicate to me. A walk in the second inning? Not so much. Hell, if you would have swung at any of those pitches, I would have assumed the form of a German Shepard, came down there and bit you on your ass.
You don’t need to dedicate or remember me after every little thing. I’m up here with Ted Williams, Mickey Mantle, Dizzy and Satchel and we’re watching you play, because I am proud of you. But you got that walk and then pointed to me and oh my gosh these guys start breaking my balls.
Mickey said, “hey man, if he woulda actually hit the ball, he woulda lit a damn candle to you.” Williams called you a pussy and said something about your hands being too low and Dizzy and Satchel just laughed and pointed and spoke that weird language only the other one understands.
Honus and Josh said you and the others that point to Heaven only do it so you’ll look deep or spiritual or soulful in front of the fans. I don’t buy that. I’m glad you think of me, just don’t think of me after you do something so routine. Are you going to point to me after you field a pop-up? Or tie your shoes? So I’m glad you remember me but can you tone it down a bit. Point to me after the RBIs and the extra base hits. If your grounder rolls through the shortstop’s legs, you don’t need to draw any attention to me. Really. I mean it.
Love,
Dad,
Heaven
PS. Get some batting gloves that fit. Why do you need to adjust them after every pitch? Even after you take a pitch you adjust your gloves, it’s like watching grass grow. But I guess I have nothing but time anyway. 