Rob Ervin

MR DO: When I go camping, I take a big bag of can food for quick, nutritious meals.
MR DON’T: When I go camping, I take a big bag of broken Percodans for a quick exciting buzz.

MR DO: I always have a bucket of sand near my campfire in case I need to extinguish it.
MR DON’T: I always have a twelve pack of Busch in my stomach in case I need to extinguish the campfire…or a cigarette…or a firefly, it doesn’t matter.

MR DO: If camping in a state or national park, I ask the park rangers about camp activities like free movies.
MR DON’T: When everyone’s at the free movie, I steal their hot dogs and siphon their gas.

MR DO: Although campgrounds can get crowded, I respect everyone’s privacy.
MR DON’T: A park is one place where no one is suspicious of a guy with binoculars around his neck. You’d be surprised how much you can see through a mesh bug screen.

MR DO: If I bring a pet with me, I make sure to clean up after his mess.
MR DON’T: The inbred pit bull I bought from Michael Vick hates camping.

MR DO: Although I am ashamed to admit it, there have been a few occasions when I couldn’t get near the bathroom and I have tinkled in the woods.
MR DON’T: A good phrase to know is, “Hey look at the size of that! Wow, there must be a grizzly nearby who loves peanuts.”

MR DO: I keep flashlights and plenty of batteries in the campsite.
MR DON’T: I keep a strobe light hooked up to my diesel generator so the party lasts all night long.

MR DO: I love roasting marshmallows and making s’mores.
MR DON’T: When adding pine needles to make menthol hash, make sure they are dry, but not too dry.

MR DO: When I go camping, I like to bring a few magazines and a fun paperback novel.
MR DON’T: I never go anywhere without my collection of erotic etchings.

MR DO: If you run out or forget to pack toiletries, usually there is a camp store that can provide what you need.
MR DON’T: For an extra fifteen bucks, a good crack ho will swing by Walgreen’s on her way to your campsite.

MR DO: I live by the motto, “Leaves of three, let them be”
MR DON’T: I live by the motto, “If it feels good, do it to me.”

MR DO: A campground is a public place. If camping with my beloved MRS DO, we keep our passions in check until we leave the campsite.
MR DON’T: There’s nothing better than forcing a raccoon to watch you do it.

MR DO: I try to leave the campsite cleaner than when I arrived.
MR DON’T: I try to leave my initials carved in every tree.

MR DO: Driving to your campsite at night can be stressful. Go very slow with your fog lights on.
MR DON’T: I go fifty with no lights on. I assume those bumps I hear and feel are raccoons.

MR DO: I ask the group of college girls camping if they need any help with their tent.
MR DON’T: I ask that group of college girls camping if they need any help shaving.

MR DO: I’m thankful for the chance to get closer to the earth and commune with Mother Nature.
MR DON’T: I’m thankful the poison ivy and assorted bug bites will take my mind off my permanent rashes.